Hi! Welcome to....or welcome BACK to....Honest to Christina.
Maybe you are new to the blog. Maybe you have been following for years. Either way, you should know that this is a total reboot and fresh start. And here's why.
So you think you are infertile?
Well. Let me give you a little sage advice on the most
important things you need to know.
1.
Everybody will have an idea on what will get you
pregnant.
They have all had a friend who ate
only asparagus when they were ovulating and magically found themselves with
child. Or maybe they tied their shoelaces backwards only on even numbered cycle
days. Either way, it was what FOR SURE guaranteed their conception. Forget the
science behind an egg being fertilized…IT WAS THE ASPARAGUS. And if you don’t
try it, you are a FAILURE!
Please don’t let this fool you.
You are NOT a failure. You DO want it bad enough. Asparagus is NOT going to
help. Your friends and family mean so well. They don’t understand what is
happening to you and they are trying to solve the problem for you in their own
detached, well meaning way. This is not a criticism on your ability to
reproduce, but it will feel that way. You might even try some of these ideas,
and that’s ok. And gosh, I hope one of them works for you. But if not, don’t
let it get the best of you. And remember, next time somebody is SURE they have
solved the problem for you, just smile and nod, and slowly walk away.
2.
Be sure to purchase the stick of shame starter
pack
There are three sticks of shame
that you will need to concern yourself with. Stick of shame #1 is the Basal
Thermometer. You will use this daily to remind yourself that your body doesn’t
do what it is supposed to do. It’s a lovely daily reminder that when it comes
to biological functions, you body just isn’t up to snuff. The best (read:
worst) part of stick of shame #1 is that you have to take your temperature at
the SAME TIME everyday, which is BEFORE you do ANYTHING in the morning. This
includes: getting out of bed, peeing, or blinking too much. If you do any of
these things, your temperature will be compromised and might prevent the
asparagus from ever working. Stick of
shame #2 is the ovulation test stick. You will only need to use this from about
day 11 to day 19 of you cycle. You will pee on it every morning before you do
ANYTHING (correction, only after you take your temperature with stick of shame
#1) and then wait, bleary eyed to see if it gives you a damn smiley face. It’s
like an adult sticker chart. For every smiley face you get, it’s another chance
to get pregnant. You see, depending on the stick of shame #2 you buy, you can
have anywhere from 2 to 4 smiley faces a month. Those are your most fertile
days. Those days make you feel like a really successful biological human being
because maybe you just might be capable of conceiving. So get
to it! Isn’t this the fun part?! (spoiler: by this point, it is not the fun
part, but more on that later). And finally stick of shame #3 is the pregnancy
test. Trust me. You will not wait til a missed period. You will pee on that
damn thing anywhere from 2-4 days before your expected period. It will
inevitably give you bad news and waste yet another $18 when you could have just
waited for your damn period. This brings me to….
3.
Life will be month to month
I don’t know what else to say. You
will no longer track a month from the 1st to the 30th (or
31st), but rather, the 1st day of your cycle to your last
(maybe 28 days? Maybe 32? You will know EXACTLY how long your cycle takes, to
the MINUTE. Trust me. And every day will be assigned something great like: “Day
one! Fresh start!” and “Day Eleven! Time to start peeing on stick of shame #2!”
and “Day 28! Time to try stick of shame #3!” and then back to “Day one! Fresh
start! (said with a forced smile)”
4.
Your head and your heart will deeply disagree
And people won’t get that. There
is nothing you can really do about it. Here’s what happens when you are having
your inevitable break down:
You: “this is the hardest thing I
have been through. I feel like a failure of a woman and that this is entirely
my fault. I TOTALLY GET that this is not true, but it’s like a deep visceral
reaction I have that I can’t seem to avoid. It’s terrible because my head and
my heart don’t agree.”
Them: “this is not your fault;
don’t you get it?”
You: “I literally just said that
my head and my heart don’t agree…. You know what, never mind, you are right, I
am irrational.”
Here’s the thing, your feelings DO
matter, and your people really do care. They just don’t get it. Save it for
your therapist, your friend who has been through it or…. ahem, your blog.
Anyway, you will work it out. Just know that you aren’t crazy. Or alone.
That’s all for now. I hope you know that you aren’t alone
and that these crazy, irrational feelings you are having aren’t abnormal. Male
or female. This is no joke. This is happening to YOU. And your process is
valid. So is mine. And this experience belongs to us and our partners. And that’s why we have this blog.
Xoxo,
Honest to Christina
