I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to write about getting pregnant - something I have wanted for so long and quite frankly, paid a lot of money for.
No. That's a lie.
I do know why.
It's hard for me to write about because at the end of the day, it felt like it was too easy for me. Here I had finally come out in the open about our almost 3 year struggle and was ready to share about the IVF process....and then....I didn't need it.
It feels silly.
We were waiting to get some tests done and the doctor was like, "Hey, do you want to try this other drug that might help you ovulate more?" And we were all, "Why not? We've got a month to kill." Then that month passed, and I peed (like clock work) on my stick of shame before school one day. I almost didn't look at the result because I knew it was negative. But I looked anyway, because why waste a good pee?
And then I said a few choice swears.
I believe the exact quote was, "THE F*%K?!"
And the rest, as they say, is history.
But my heart still carried all the stories shared with me about the struggle to get pregnant. I could picture those who were still trying, those who were still healing broken hearts. I know how it feels.
I made a little mantra for myself when I was feeling really bitter about it. Every time I logged on to facebook (so, like, every 10 minutes or so) and found somebody sharing their pregnancy, I would recite "Nobody gets pregnant to spite you."
Nobody gets pregnant to spite you.
Nobody gets pregnant to spite you.
Nobody gets pregnant to spite you.
It helped.
Anyway, what I want you to know, is that I still remember how it feels. In fact, that feeling led to one of the most paranoid first trimesters on record.* I just couldn't bring myself to believe it was true. I was convinced that the bottom was going to drop out at anytime. I was terrified and anxious. The nurse at my doctor's office was getting really good at talking me down. Also, she was really nice and had me come in for waaaaay more ultrasounds than necessary. This is a VERY photographed fetus we have on our hands. I hope it doesn't go to his head.
"Hi Sandy, it's Christina again. Listen, I know I'm a hot mess about this whole thing, but should I be worried that my pinky toe hurts? I mean, is that a THING? I know, I know, my pinky toe probably has NOTHING to do with being pregnant. I actually am quite educated, but you know how sex ed is in this country. I'm not sure what gaps I might have in my education."
I was terrified.
Hahahahaha. oh wait, I still am.
But it is getting better. Now it's just a mild terror. And I call the doctors office a lot less. Also, I hear this is all fairly normal. I currently have a rash on my leg, but I'm letting it go. It's probably not Zika.
Progress!
Anyway, I keep threatening to put up a sign:
It's been ___ days since Christina panicked and called the doctor.
For the record, it's been 20 days.
*I didn't do any research to back this.
