But I am not here to complain. I actually have been lucky enough to have some time on my hands as slowly turn into a replica of Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory after she eats that candy that turns her into a blueberry. "Violet you're turning violet!'
And I digress from my digression.
In all this free time, I've been listening to music that I want to make sure the baby is exposed to early on. Naturally, there is some Grateful Dead in that mix among other classic artists. As I rocked out on the way to another doctor's appointment the other day, I couldn't help but agree with Jerry Garcia....what a long, strange trip this has been.
Not just pregnancy. Although, that is strange is so many respects - but my actual life. And here's were I get super reflective. Because, hormones and wanting to pass on life lessons to my children is a real thing right now.
To the ordinary person, my life does not seem that strange. But to me, it's been a trip. And I bet yours has too. You see, I have decided that life is really a series of things going exactly as we do not expect them to go. And our happiness can often depend on how we decide to roll with them. Often, but not always. And I get that. But for my purposes, I feel that most of my happiness has deeply depended on how I wanted to handle each new turn in the road. Sometimes it took me a really, REALLY long time to make that turn. To decide to be happy. Yet as the years go on it has become clear that those choices really matter.
I credit this a lot to my super fun, not always helpful, ADHD. I have had to learn to live my life with a lot of circumstances that seemed within my control which really weren't in my control at all. I have had to learn a lot of grace and forgiveness for myself. And I have had to learn how to find positive outcomes from those things that were not within my control. That was one of those longer lessons to learn.
I understand that this is where some people roll their eyes and think "Doesn't EVERYBODY have a little ADHD?"
The short answer is no. And there is a lot of research out there on how it affects the adult brain, and even more specifically how it affects women. But I am not here to dive into that research today. I just want you to understand that it has given me a much different perspective on life, mistakes, and regrets.
I want to talk mostly about regrets. They have been on my mind as I reflect on my strange trip. I think we have all been asked at one point or another what regrets we have. And I don't know about you, but I have come to an easy answer - "None. Or, well, almost none."
You see, I consider a regret something that I have not learned a lesson from, or become a better person from. I also often equate regrets with deep shame. As I consider the things I might regret, I can come up with two:
- The first 5 times I gave myself bangs, because I never seemed to learn not to. But I don't regret that 6th time - when I finally learned to stop. And also not to have wine while I do it.
- The few times I have been embarrassingly drunk. And while I did finally learn from that, I still feel deep shame about it.
Do I hope my kids never have these same regrets? yes. Will they probably anyway? yes. Nobody gets through life unscathed. But I'm really going to try and drive that 'don't cut your own bangs' lesson home.
But Christina, you say, haven't you been married and divorced once before? Wasn't it an incredibly painful part of your life? Surly you regret that.
Ok, so now we are talking about the big stuff. The stuff that may have been hard. Or resulted in some major 20/20 hindsight. But this is the meaty stuff that I learned from. These are the corners in the road of my life that I decided to turn and be happy with the direction it took me.
I do not regret my first marriage and it's painful demise. It was an VERY unexpected corner in the road that I stood at for a long time and truthfully, it's something that I am still learning important lessons from. And let me be clear, there was no magic trick that got me through it. It was brutal. But at the end of it all, I was the one that got to decide what to do with the outcome. And the outcome led me to where I am now. How could I possibly look back on that with regret? I may have actually been one of the better things that happened to me. Although, if you told me at the time, I would have probably legit growled at you and told you to pass the xanax on your way out.
But, that's the really big non-regret in my life, I have to say. There rest seem like little ones as I look back.
I wish I had learned how to learn sooner, so that college didn't feel so wasted. But I don't think I would have the career and love of learning I have today if I hadn't gone through that hardship. Now I will be super ready to get my PhD! (hahahahaha....but really. one day.)
I wish I had been better at saving money early on. However, maybe I needed to be shitty at it to figure out how to get better. It took longer than I'd like, but I learned.
I wish it hadn't been so hard to get pregnant. Yet I learned that I didn't need children to be happy with my life. I gained a deeper respect for my husband and our partnership through that struggle. It became clear to me that we were going to be ok no matter what. And maybe we needed that struggle to deeply root us. Because I hear having kids is no joke.
I wish I had learned earlier on to be more present. For my family, for my friends. This one I am still working on. And there are moments that I wish I had handled differently, but I am trying not to regret them because there is a lesson in each one. And I think that I am becoming a better wife, daughter, sister, and friend as a I learn from these moments. Thank goodness for family and friends with patient hearts.
I wish I had traveled more when I was younger. This one is connected to the saving money and the wasted college thing. But I am learning that it's not really too late - I just may need an actual bed rather than a hostel. And also, I want to take my kids on some adventures. It will be fun to experience it WITH them.
Really, I could go on and on, but at the end of the day, my life is simply not where I ever envisioned it ending up. The road I traveled is not the one I started on, or planned for as a young woman. And I have zero regrets about that.
