The tentatively positive news.

It's the little things, people.

We were able to figure out this whole testing situation, and had a few tests done this month (the rest will wait) and here is what we found out:

I have eggs! Plenty of them! They are good quality! And good hormone levels, and good thyroid levels, and no PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). This means we have a lot of options open to us. (This also means that when we do finally have a baby, I can forever embarrass him or her by saying "I always knew you were a good egg" and then proceed to launch into the whole conception story...)

While we wait for more test results, I will continue to take medication that....ummm...I guess boosts my ovulation situation. (best explanation I can think of). 

So that's where I'm at. And I'm very ok with it. 

Also I have been rewatching season 7 of 30 rock. And this is everything. 

The Reality

Today Sucked.

There is a reality that comes with all this fertility business, and that reality is money. I am anticipating my period in the next few days (thanks stick of shame #3!) and with that will come all of this testing that we are *actually* looking forward to, because, answers.

And so I awoke this morning with a start. It's almost December. We haven't really considered what kind of financial burden this will put on us, especially during the holidays. Add to that, Sweet Man Friend's flex spending doesn't kick in until next month.

Shit.

So the long and short of it is, we just can't do all of the testing this month. But next month we can.

And I get it, I really get it. A month in the big picture is not a big deal. It's a blink of an eye. But for where I am, right here, right now, it is painfully disappointing.

Tick, Tock.

BUT.

The good news is, I have this MILLION DOLLAR IDEA.

I thought of it as I scowled at stick of shame #3 today.

You see, there is nothing more disheartening (at least for the woman who is TRYING) to see, just, "NO" on a pregnancy test. I think someone should make one that's marketed towards women who are trying. And it will say things like, "Better luck next time!" or "You tried really hard, sorry!" or "Don't forget! There is more than one way to make a family!"

Maybe my brain isn't 100% in the right place right now, but I really think this could be the million dollar idea that helps pay for this whole endeavor.

Because the testing is just the beginning.

The Clinic

Woah. This place is fancy.

I'm sweating. Why am I sweating?

This is probably my fault because I drink.

No, This is probably because we don't go to church. We should start going to church.

Do they validate parking?

OMG how selfish of me. OF COURSE I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A BABY. Even pay for parking. Crap. Who heard me think that? I take that back, god.

Oh look here is the doctor. He notes how thick my medical file is.

"Well if it's going to happen, it's going to happen to me...."

.....no laughter....I'll have to try again.

yadda yadda yadda....WOAH there are a lot of lady parts pictures here. And just one penis? that seems unfair.

They refer to the Mr.'s tests as 'fun' and mine as 'painful'. This also seems unfair.

I didn't realize that's what a penis looks like on the inside. I clearly wasn't paying attention in sex ed.

"It's actually statistically really hard to get pregnant"

And yet all those people who claim it was an ACCIDENT?! We should start taxing them to help pay for this appointment.

The doctor explains insemination to us.

"Oh. So basically you want my fallopian tubes locked and loaded."

He sort of laughs this time, I'll take the win.

So we are going to schedule some tests. Fantastic! Here comes the nurse with the paperwork.

WOAH. That shit is printed on glossy heavy weight paper, IN COLOR. Hmmm....I wonder if I ask them to print all my paper work on regular paper in greyscale...will they give me a discount on my appointments?

"Thank you so much for your time. We really look forward to finding out more!"

crap...how are we going to pay for this?

It's going to be ok. We have each other. And that means, it's always going to be ok.

The Game

Hi! Welcome to....or welcome BACK to....Honest to Christina.

Maybe you are new to the blog. Maybe you have been following for years. Either way, you should know that this is a total reboot and fresh start. And here's why.

So you think you are infertile?

Well. Let me give you a little sage advice on the most important things you need to know.

1.     Everybody will have an idea on what will get you pregnant.

They have all had a friend who ate only asparagus when they were ovulating and magically found themselves with child. Or maybe they tied their shoelaces backwards only on even numbered cycle days. Either way, it was what FOR SURE guaranteed their conception. Forget the science behind an egg being fertilized…IT WAS THE ASPARAGUS. And if you don’t try it, you are a FAILURE!

Please don’t let this fool you. You are NOT a failure. You DO want it bad enough. Asparagus is NOT going to help. Your friends and family mean so well. They don’t understand what is happening to you and they are trying to solve the problem for you in their own detached, well meaning way. This is not a criticism on your ability to reproduce, but it will feel that way. You might even try some of these ideas, and that’s ok. And gosh, I hope one of them works for you. But if not, don’t let it get the best of you. And remember, next time somebody is SURE they have solved the problem for you, just smile and nod, and slowly walk away.

2.     Be sure to purchase the stick of shame starter pack

There are three sticks of shame that you will need to concern yourself with. Stick of shame #1 is the Basal Thermometer. You will use this daily to remind yourself that your body doesn’t do what it is supposed to do. It’s a lovely daily reminder that when it comes to biological functions, you body just isn’t up to snuff. The best (read: worst) part of stick of shame #1 is that you have to take your temperature at the SAME TIME everyday, which is BEFORE you do ANYTHING in the morning. This includes: getting out of bed, peeing, or blinking too much. If you do any of these things, your temperature will be compromised and might prevent the asparagus from ever working.  Stick of shame #2 is the ovulation test stick. You will only need to use this from about day 11 to day 19 of you cycle. You will pee on it every morning before you do ANYTHING (correction, only after you take your temperature with stick of shame #1) and then wait, bleary eyed to see if it gives you a damn smiley face. It’s like an adult sticker chart. For every smiley face you get, it’s another chance to get pregnant. You see, depending on the stick of shame #2 you buy, you can have anywhere from 2 to 4 smiley faces a month. Those are your most fertile days. Those days make you feel like a really successful biological human being because maybe you just might be capable of conceiving. So get to it! Isn’t this the fun part?! (spoiler: by this point, it is not the fun part, but more on that later). And finally stick of shame #3 is the pregnancy test. Trust me. You will not wait til a missed period. You will pee on that damn thing anywhere from 2-4 days before your expected period. It will inevitably give you bad news and waste yet another $18 when you could have just waited for your damn period. This brings me to….

3.     Life will be month to month

I don’t know what else to say. You will no longer track a month from the 1^st to the 30^th (or 31^st), but rather, the 1^st day of your cycle to your last (maybe 28 days? Maybe 32? You will know EXACTLY how long your cycle takes, to the MINUTE. Trust me. And every day will be assigned something great like: “Day one! Fresh start!” and “Day Eleven! Time to start peeing on stick of shame #2!” and “Day 28! Time to try stick of shame #3!” and then back to “Day one! Fresh start! (said with a forced smile)”

4.     Your head and your heart will deeply disagree

And people won’t get that. There is nothing you can really do about it. Here’s what happens when you are having your inevitable break down:

You: “this is the hardest thing I have been through. I feel like a failure of a woman and that this is entirely my fault. I TOTALLY GET that this is not true, but it’s like a deep visceral reaction I have that I can’t seem to avoid. It’s terrible because my head and my heart don’t agree.”

Them: “this is not your fault; don’t you get it?”

You: “I literally just said that my head and my heart don’t agree…. You know what, never mind, you are right, I am irrational.”

Here’s the thing, your feelings DO matter, and your people really do care. They just don’t get it. Save it for your therapist, your friend who has been through it or…. ahem, your blog. Anyway, you will work it out. Just know that you aren’t crazy. Or alone.

That’s all for now. I hope you know that you aren’t alone and that these crazy, irrational feelings you are having aren’t abnormal. Male or female. This is no joke. This is happening to YOU. And your process is valid. So is mine. And this experience belongs to us and our partners.  And that’s why we have this blog.

Xoxo,

Honest to Christina